I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
