Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
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