Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
