dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
