Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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