i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
My ATM looks so different sober.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I need to sanitize my soul.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
