yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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