I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Randomize
