Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
