I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
