If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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