woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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