it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
