how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
