She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
