There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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