I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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