Tell her she can't have a vagina
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
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