dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
