I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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