hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
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