Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
