if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
