nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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