Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize
