True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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