gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
