I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
