Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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