Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I love having hate sex.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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