I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
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