Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
