woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
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