think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
