I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
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