12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
