if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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