I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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