***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
