Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
