At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
