i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
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