I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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