He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
