Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
