i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
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