The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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