I only kidnapped one of them. chill
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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