sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
