Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
