Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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